If you find yourself on this page by any chance, please bear with me for today. Though as I search the meaning of "ramblings" just to be sure, I realised, its exactly what this post is most likely to be. "Lengthy, confused and inconsequential."
I guess sometimes you just want to be heard but don't know how to really reach out. You want to have a conversation but don't know how to ask for it. At times, you even try and reach out, you often end up feeling a little letdown. (Even though you also know that the other person is hardly at fault)
Especially, amidst the Covid-19 lockdowns, no matter how much you try to stay sane, there are days you still lose your shit. It is easier to post, "It's ok not to be ok" but when your own 'not so ok' days arrive, you still feel the same which is ok too.
While blogs can often feel like a lot of work, I often take to my usually private WhatsApp Statuses to express how I feel. It's off-course easier to pretend, "I don't care." But, somedays I can't help but wish someone reading the status could understand my not so subtle hints.
It is true, I like it as a personal space. Writing is foremost for me a medium to express how I feel and I primarily write for myself. But, like most writers and bloggers, sometimes I deeply feel that longing to be read and like most humans wanting to be understood.
But, I still feel, on a few days I can minimise my expectations are easily my most joyful as well as my most productive. Rather as mom puts it, I often turn cranky when I spend too much time on the phone. I genuinely don't know the real science and psychology behind it, but I can't agree to disagree as it's really true.
Probably, one of the basic things I do know (at least in my case) is how often being on social media apps makes you compare or at other times make you want to have conversations with certain people. But, the consequent disappointments and unnecessarily wasted hours from your day can definitely induce negative feelings.
Furthermore, my present routines almost make my days feel like this huge 'To-do-list'. Although it is my own doing, with a job I intend to have, entrance tests I hope to prepare for, a distant programme I am enrolled in, friends I would wish to talk to, chores I would ideally like to contribute towards and those couple of hours I wish to have for myself, it definitely seems like a long list.
It is actually a thing that has kept me going for the most part of these lockdowns. But, it also feels draining and overwhelming somedays when a day enjoyed and filled with distractions seems to come at an opportunity cost too.
For instance, today I filed my first story and then went on to stay lazy for the entire day. I off-course didn't mind it at the moment and rather even enjoyed the day.
But, as yet another story came towards the evening while I had just sat down to complete the second one left for the day, I could not stop myself from feeling upset and irritated, as work leapt into the late hours of yet another day and delayed stories also meant having to sacrifice on a good deal of things including my evening walk and Podcasts for the day.
Moreover, the hot summers can further make me irritable as I forget to drink enough water and then, fail to realise why I am feeling like this.
So, yeah these were the humble rumblings of this mad mad woman (that's me), trying to stay sane in the times of Corona.
PS. - Title credits go to my brother who unknowingly inspired this blog post.
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