It is about to be an year, and trust me if anything I am tired and burnt out. But if there is anything I have missed more than my husband's company, it is the freedom to be me.
A few years ago, it first dawned on me that I am not a conventional daughter in law material. But then I met a man I fell heads over heels in love with and it suddenly felt like a possibility.
An year later, I don't think I have ever been more sure of anything than the fact that he actually makes me the happiest woman on the planet...yet, I don't know how to shrink myself to fit in a town that not only believes in caste but openly practices different queues, pay obesience to a deity that preaches menstruating women are dirty.
It feels hypocritical to report on suspension of a principal because a girl was made to sit separately during her periods, while I quietly bear it all when I go back home. I understand generational gap and where they are coming from, but how do I stay when it feels suffocating. Even when everyone thinks it is a nonsensical debate about whether a young doctor may or may not call an elderly patient by his/her name, three against one hardly feels fair. They are entitled to rubbish my lived experience, exposure and profession but I must not get personal.
Even as I was about to get married, my dreams were crushed into pieces for a woman that I don't even know (even my husband doesn't know her name). Yet, not as much as a sorry came my way. For I was only a bride who was supposed to be happy and all smile for things could have been worse. No one realised, I was also a pampered daughter and a young girl, whose dreams had gone down the drown. For several months, I secretly kept crying and being judged for being a "spoilsport".
I am not denying I was showered with love, but there were days all I wanted was just air. Despite its taste, chocolate milk can't make up for water when you are really thirsty.
Even when I am writing it all down, I know I would be forced to change my status settings so no one get a hint for I don't have the energy to entertain and explain because even though it has only been a year, I have already realised understanding isn't something I can expect from anyone out there.
Although I am the most grateful for him, as our anniversary nears, all the flashbacks of our marriage have also returned with full vigour. Everyone thinks heartbreaks are the worst. But I had been preparing all my life to be betrayed by a man, knowing it is a pure game of luck not knowing that is where I will end up being luckiest.
But I never thought my family and friends would betray me at my altar. Even when the few came, it simply felt too little, too late. I already didn't have the budget to invite them all but I never ever imagined the few I did were as indifferent as I am.
I even attended weddings of my dad's cousins without caring for my calenders yet when my time came noone cared for me. I really wish dad was alive and he would ask why noone cared for his daughter. In the past one year, everyone saw a girl in love but what no one saw was a young girl who was shattered.
A girl stuck in a town with no friends or family in sight, a girl with enough weight on her shoulders that she couldn't quit her job to live with her man, she couldn't fit in her new home yet will never be able to go back home.
I just wish i had mattered enough for someone to care, recognise.
Honestly, I see it every single year and I am always as amazed how we cry rivers for deceased yet we treat the living like shit. Although I too find it true, tragedies always hit worse when they hit closer to home...the schoolmate you haven't seen, neighbour that seemed fit, a colleague you encountered.
A few years ago, whenever someone died by suicide, social media would get flooded with messages of support and need to pay attention to mental health. Yet how many times do we stop to check on people who slip when they are struggling, bullies usually end up being the cool ones while empaths and sensitive ones are simply asked to chill. No one wants to talk to a friend with a sob story, show up only whe
Comments
Post a Comment