It is amazing how you can go about a complete year not being able to explain your struggles and then some random work comes your way and gives you the right words.
In the past one year, nothing has been more crushing than the invalidation of my own lived experience. While everyone saw a new bride, there were days all I saw was a young girl betrayed by her own at the altar...my pain for the loss of friendships doesn't take away my love for my husband yet it was an almost silent expectation to simply show up with a smile. You are not supposed to be sad in front of others or on happy occasions. But the truth remains that I didn't even know the name of the woman whose death costed me my dream wedding.
This is not a sob story, it was long due that the empath in me took a back seat or I would have wasted more of my years showing up for people when they broke up, lost their parents or best friends even when they didn't care if I lived or died.
This is only to say that people would actually heal better and faster if only we could allow them the space to grieve, acknowledge the pain our words, attitudes and actions may cause.
Silence or negating feelings can't be the reason pillars of a home stand strong. Why is it part of the generational wisdom that men don't share their financial struggles at home, you don't take your office stress back home. Even when women earn, many still feel the same burden. When we raise our boys like that, is it even surprising that average men are living 5-6 years less in two of our neighbouring states and experts cite stress & lack of support infra for men behind the trend.
I am not saying we should not look out for the silver lining. All I am saying is that it is okay to acknowledge when going feels tough. In the past 10 and a half months, every time I have tried to share, even the best of my well-wishers have told me how much worse it could have been.
Of course I know I am lucky to have him, I actually chose and married that man. Today, I can't imagine my life without him and he remains my ultimate silver lining. Yet anyone who has been in my shoes will attest to the fact long-distance marriage is hard.
Life is rarely a perfect black or white, and existence of either doesn't make the other side untrue. I understand we are blurring the lines between mental health, self-care and lack of resilience, but we can't restrict the legitimacy of tears to funeral and then go about treating the living as shit.
Even though I am eventually making my peace, there was a time when a naive part of me thought people who cry in my dad's names would actually show up, if not me, for the fact I am his daughter. Friends who gushed over my wedding news would actually bear some inconvenience to show up.
All these years, I have been prepared to be heartbroken or betrayed by a guy. But never the people I called friends. I used to proudly say our friendships run thicker than love. #IshqToGehriYaariyaan
So it was anything but natural for me to be heartbroken, especially when months of wait followed my wedding. I am sure everyone had their fair share of troubles, yet all I could see for an entire year was those picture perfect wedding frames.
As the academician in the book says, "The bad things are hard but sometimes the good things are hard too...And it’s okay to say stuff’s hard, it doesn’t do anyone dishonour. It’s alright. It’s just giving people space to be human.
PS - To anyone who thinks my world view is crooked and journalism isn't the world. I agree but it is a large part of mine. Despite our flaws & imperfections, newsrooms would always be one of my favourite places in the whole wide world.
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