As I continue to struggle in vain in my transition from college years to my first job, it often makes me think what is it that is really affecting me so much. On the surface I tend to know but I am not really sure if I do.
As I was thinking, I realized maybe it isn't really what I say. Maybe my biggest problem is the fact I failed and that too terribly to say the least. As I was trying to figure out.my life somehow post college, everyone seemed to have it all figured out. It felt like I was the only one who didn't knew what to do.
With most of my batch-mates getting admissions in our old or some new great institutions, it would feel like I was the one who was left behind. I must admit somehow some days I still feel like that. I still dread watching and scrolling social media. As everyone seems elated in those pics, I feel embarrassed. For failing, not being able to be proud of where I am, and yet failing to move out to a better place.
I often wonder maybe its just the jealousy that's talking or my own fear of failure. I am not sure in my heart if it is them or myself that I have let down. Secretly, I somewhere agree with her that my current state of affairs isn't really about my capabilities. It is somehow about me being confused and decisive at a time when it was crucial for me to make the right choices.
As I was thinking, I realized maybe it isn't really what I say. Maybe my biggest problem is the fact I failed and that too terribly to say the least. As I was trying to figure out.my life somehow post college, everyone seemed to have it all figured out. It felt like I was the only one who didn't knew what to do.
With most of my batch-mates getting admissions in our old or some new great institutions, it would feel like I was the one who was left behind. I must admit somehow some days I still feel like that. I still dread watching and scrolling social media. As everyone seems elated in those pics, I feel embarrassed. For failing, not being able to be proud of where I am, and yet failing to move out to a better place.
I often wonder maybe its just the jealousy that's talking or my own fear of failure. I am not sure in my heart if it is them or myself that I have let down. Secretly, I somewhere agree with her that my current state of affairs isn't really about my capabilities. It is somehow about me being confused and decisive at a time when it was crucial for me to make the right choices.
Sometimes, just thinking where it all went wrong feels draining and too hard a battle to be fought. I was never a very bright student but still I had begin to believe that I hadn't done that bad. But despite odds, I had really put in a lot of efforts in those three years, gave all I had.
But, was it a wise decision to be there in the first place? Maybe not. I genuinely feel it was absurd and stupid on my part to say the least. After all that hard work, even for a second if I am forced to justify my decision, I genuinely don't feel like it. There were things that weren't in my hand but being there in the first place was my decision (an immature and a stupid one indeed).
But, I guess it isn't really about all those things, that place, its people or circumstances. Its just my own lack of strength and courage to face them. All else are just petty issues that shall be over as soon as this gets okay. Maybe that will bring its own set of troubles but I guess I shall have to figure out my way with them as well but I wish to get there in the first place.
But as events today had me thinking, why it is being so hard for me to detach and move on. It struck me that failure isn't really the problem. The problem is when we get stuck in those failures, not knowing what we do. The problem is with the way we get struck in those never ending expectations and attach that huge shame to failure.
Am I sorted right now? Nope. On the contrary I am currently more messed up than ever. Am I confused? Hell, YEAH! Do I feel stuck? Yes. Do I know I am just being stupid for thinking like that? I do.
But, over the last couple of months, I have tried all I could trying to calm down and be happy. I do relax for a while but then feel this way yet again. Off late I have realized maybe i will continue to be like this unless I get it a little sorted somehow. But, by then I am just gonna keep trying to figure my way out. Though, I am not sure where I wish to head, I know I wish to move out and somehow I shall make it all work out OK.
Signing Off for Today.
Anne Adler
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