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Trying To Hold it Together

माना हर एक Choice मेरा अपना था, पर कभी कभी आज जैसे दिनों पर लगता है पता नहीं होगा भी या नहीं। Usually, लोग first semester main confused aur last semester में sure होते हैं। But, life के ज्यादातर decisions की तरह इस area में भी उल्टी निकली। First में Convinced and last में Super-confused. 

पिछला एक साल किसी तरह निकल गया था but last कुछ एक महीने (the post Covid, lockdown वाले); honestly पता नहीं...Almost like best भी थे और worst and toughest भी।

क्या करना है? पता नहीं! शायद अब कुछ समझ आने लगा था, खूब मेहनत करी पर सब postponed। अब लगता है जैसे थक सी गई हूं। बस rest करना चाहती हूं and अभी बस वही नहीं कर सकती। अगर किसी दिन distract हो कर extra videos और movies देख लूं, तो ऑफिस का सारा काम रह जाता है and consequently पढ़ाई और तैयारी तो भूल ही जाओ। कभी कभी लगता है I just wanna breathe and relax फिर डर भी लगता है कि सब करने के बाद मैं last moment कहीं फिर से सब गड़बड़ ना कर दूं।

सच कहूं तो मुझे ये नहीं पता finally चीजें थोड़ी सी ट्रैक पर कब वापिस आएंगी पर बस अब ये पता है मैं अपनी तरफ से पूरी कोशिश करना चाहती हूं कि at least किसी कि sympathies ना लेनी पड़ें।

कुछ किस्सों के लिए हम लोगों को माफ कर आगे तो बढ़ जाते हैं पर कुछ बातें मानो दिल में घर सा कर जाती हैं। मेरा चीजों को overly पकड़ कर बैठे रहना कह लो या कुछ भी, पर मेरे आंसू पोंछने के लिए उनका एहसान जताना मानो भूलता ही नहीं। उस के बाद भी पीछले एक साल में बहुतों के आगे दिल हल्का किया है कुछ दोस्त दिल में और ज़िन्दगी में आज भी कायम हैं। 

पर अब शायद हिम्मत सी नी पड़ती; क्या किसी को बेवजह तंग करना। और शायद इस वक्त कहना चाहूं भी तो शायद मैं खुद को सही express और explain कर ही नी सकती। पर शायद कुछ कहने को है भी नहीं। कभी कभी कुछ चीजों को सही खुद ही करना पड़ता है, वो चाह कर भी हमारी कोई मदद नहीं कर सकते। जैसे parents books खरीद सकते हैं पर हमारी जगह पढ़ कर exam नहीं दे सकते। 

आज कल blogs में सब कह देना आसान लगता है, personally बात करना मुश्किल। And शायद सब लोग in any case ख़ुद में परेशान हैं तो ना मैं उन्हें परेशान करना चाहती हूं and to be honest, ऐसा लगता है कि मेरे अंदर इस time wo energy है ही नहीं कि मैं इस वक्त किसी और को समझ सकूं। 

ऐसा लगता है जैसे अपने अपने ढंग से सब अपने extremes तक stretch हो रहे हैं। But, still just trying to hold together our fort for each other

And then कभी कभी लगता है should share this posts in my status; काश I hadn't deleted his number at least I would have a constant reader, shayad mythical सा ही सही understood feel होता था। But, then try to hold on, on my own because again time and energy seems limited.

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