"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

"First-time mistake is a lesson, second time it is stupidity." - Unknown

Sometimes, paying a counselor takes less courage than opening up to a friend. On days like yesterday, I wish acting on that statement was as simpler for a youngster without fearing for taboos, and there was a way that included no intermediate questions on what's wrong. Especially as you fail to decipher exactly how you feel, it is impossible to put forward a neutral tale without having to fear what they shall think.

On days like today, I am simply grateful, nobody happens to visit this blog. Even if it is a false sense of both sharing and privacy, it offers an easier and yet inexpensive place to pour my heart out and survive that moment. I don't understand why I risk my faith and trust again with people when I already know how things eventually turn out but sometimes it's impossible to escape temptations when they are fuelled with forever old longings even if the latter come trapped in your lifelong fears that are simply easier to feel than explain.  

Sometimes, you know all along that your path taken isn't right or worthy, yet you put yourself through hell committing the same mistakes you had promised, you never would. In that one moment of yesterday, I had gone emotionally numb feeling guilt and anger taking away any memories I might have kept. What I had failed to escape despite all the efforts in the past three years finally no longer existed but only to see its end by the most dreaded nightmare I had feared. 

All those times I had fought myself, chose to go through that sea-storm of pain was finally lost. I had finally ended up letting down everybody who had shown thy faith. However, in that moment, I had known nothing gone blank and simply wished not breathing was a choice. While the incident in itself was minor, it had come as the last nail in the coffin that had already been lying on the edge for long. 

In that moment as I could neither explain what had gone past nor text somebody, I realized I had already cut off half of my world. If there were ever moments I have felt a strong sense of self-hate, yesterday was one. Yet, all I had hoped was somebody who could listen it through without any shreds of judgment. As impulse took over, many last strings breathed their last and the two people I could have called were no longer in my reach.     

Night passed and the morning began, even as I recovered I simply had just wished to share it all even though I doubt if I remember anything correctly. I was done crying endlessly last afternoon yet having nothing to explain, breathing and eating was feeling like a punishment. In my attempts to escape the worse, I had brought home the worst. 

Then, as I went out to place the roti pieces for birds and animals, a car almost hit a woman, reminding me of my own accident, bringing me back to my senses. It just felt like God's signal to remind me how precious our lives are. Somehow, I dared to gather the courage to find my will to let it go and move past. I knew I needed to talk. 

So, I decided to text the two people I knew I could reach out if there was a chance they were available this morning. I willed myself to push through my office work.  Yet, as I finally dared to call, on hearing her voice, I simply could not help my tears just as thoughts of seeing and hugging her brought down all my hurt out in those tears.

But, by the evening even as I failed to express myself and feel normal and let go off my extreme emotions, I finally came as far to see reason why I was at fault without thinking on either of the extreme edges. However, it hardly helped how I felt. As I tried to dial up those numbers, I couldn't help but remember all the times I was warned and yet felt helpless to let things go before things came to this. 

Yet, I already knew it wasn't just one person I had lost but one more person I potentially stood to lose. But, if there were moments that change you forever, yesterday would probably go on to be one. 

But, more importantly, what I learnt was (although it still remains difficult to think it myself) to remember how precious life is. 

"No matter how stupid you act, what you do or what happens to you; you are lucky if you have that one person in your life whose very thought can inspire you to breathe in that moment you are on the edge. For me, that person has always been mymom to find that courage when I feel like I have lost my battles."

But, even if growing up makes better sense, sometimes I wish I could simply be that 17 year old who could trust and simply share what she felt (irrespective of how overdramatic, pathetic, stupid or whatever) it felt.

But as years pass you by, you begin getting judged for how you fight and what you share, reminded how they gave you a favour by wiping away your tears. Post last night, I definitely know, why acting on your instincts can sometimes be fatal as you leave yourself fragile and vulnerable.  

But, no matter how you feel, self-pity surely doesn't help nor does blaming anybody else or youself. All I have learnt in 21 years has taught me to simply own up my mistakes and yesterday was a reminder, your battles are your own. Stop saying it all and letting people in on your tales even if it feels lonely, its worth it. 

"No matter how big a mistake you made, you can always make your life bigger than that single tale. You have outlived your past mistakes even as you could see no further then. Give it some time and you shall be fine again."