Skip to main content

Diary entries

When your life is like a park, open and accessible for all, yet aloof and alone when it really needs company. 
...
I am tired of being understanding and lonely, yet I wish I would not have to deal with anyone and could be literally away and alone for a month. 

When your life is real good yet you feel miserable and that only makes you feel even more like a moron, when you think you need therapy to stop it from getting worse and a break so your head doesn't burst and then therapy gives you more anxiety....paper and pen are really my favourite solace...but I only like the fact that even if you can't take your own life, can't win your battles in life, it would still come to an end when you die. The worst bit is actually the best bit...Managed to cross the river, patiently awaiting for the ocean. Although I know life is only gonna throw bigger challenges...can already think of quite a few realistic possibilities (I hope I am real ready when those come along). 

Have you ever felt like that you have so much to speak or so much to write that you could just keep writing for the entire day. By the way I know it shall pass too...but too drained to make it to other side. I wish there was someone who understood, someone who would not need me to speak and could just read my tales. Someone who didn't give me that pitiful look but just understood. Someone who would stay and someone who would love me like I do. I am sorry, but nothing less would do. 

PS - I am learning to be okay with the fact that I am all you got. I understand we all have our own problems, world is plagued by more serious troubles than a 24-year-old who feels a little lonely but don't offer me a shoulder if you are not gonna stay. Because I will be okay as long as I can run. It takes a friend to sit in the mud with you for as long as you need and even those friends will find lovers and leave. I know there would be a day I would have to stop and I am always a trainwreck at the time but running is all I get and run I must with all that I have because opening your heart and then someone not getting it is worse. Don't give me that pitiful look and you also don't to get to get between me and my pen, because even if it kills me a little every day, Holmes was right humans can only disappoint and hurt, I just wish I was a little more like him. 

Photo: PickPik

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A letter to my happy tear

Sometimes we make things so much bigger in our hearts that it becomes impossible for the events to match our anticipation and even the slightest misdirections to our plans end up grounding them altogether. Exactly an year ago, on October 17, my father-in-law called me and told us that our wedding dates had been fixed. It had been a long-distance courtship but as the luck would have it, we were right there together to celebrate the good news. The next four months were probably the happiest period of my life. Even as I felt lonely without him, I would simply count down our days to the wedding. Soon enough, my joy and excitement became too visible. I don't think I have ever taken care of myself any better. I couldn't wait to get married.  I don't think there was a day I didn't think of him before I ended my day. I simply couldn't wait to be his wife. To his credit, it has all been worth it. Even as we are yet to find our way to a shared roof, Akhil you ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Remember your champions...

Akhil you know I can't go a long time without writing you love letter but am too lazy to visit a post office..so this one is for you... Everytime I am told I am stupid for choosing my passion, I just wanna look at you, remind myself and know we got this and will always find a way... Every time I feel alone or down, seek validation or feel the need to prove myself or my worth...I may take my time but ultimately every ride has taught me how I have my biggest champion at home. Chahe uss din wo kitchen mein bitaye 12 ghante hon ya hours spent on the most basic blog...even if noone else could see, you were the one cheering me on. Even if you were the one taking care of it all, you always ensured I knew we were a team.  At a time, when I almost felt invisible, u were the one who reminded me I mattered. Listened to my rants and then scolded me when u could not see me stay sad anymore. Even if a part of me was torn, you made sure I finally had fun at a wedding.  When I fel...
Post a Comment
Read more

Navigating the tug between love & identity

It is so much easier for the world to see what a man contributes but a woman's struggles often remain her silent bouts.  The standards are literally so low for a man, not being abusive makes them amazing. For women, standards are so high that even standing up for themselves becomes a problem. What a woman does is probably only visible to her partner and mother. Because it is the only place we can safely cry and share our perspective.  Recently we went for a dinner where I was told, in a lighter note, how lucky I was to have my husband. I would never say otherwise. I always thank God for him and noone is more aware of what he brings to the table. But, despite being his biggest champion, it suddenly dawned on me how in the seven months of my marriage I have literally seen everyone say the same thing yet I have never heard anyone say he is probably lucky to have me too.  While he remains my biggest champion and sees through every single night of my struggle, tear and strengt...
Post a Comment
Read more