As I come back from work and sit down with my thoughts, it is literally like my chakravayu. I usually have so much to speak and only walls as listeners, so it easily gets converted into overthinking. But for a change, something really nice came out of it tonight, just sharing it below...a little draft of my heart
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जब मैंने पीछे मुड़कर देखा तो उन नज़्म और तोहफ़ों में न बस मेरी आवाज थी पर रूह के टुकड़े बिखरे पड़े थे मेरे। सच पूछो तो अगर दोबारा जी सकूं, सब तोहफ़ों को अपने पास रहने दूंगी शायद। न खुद को पूरा करने की कोशिश करूंगी बस खुद पे और ज्यादा मेहनत करूंगी।
जो वक्त बुरा हो तो किस ने लौटाई मोहब्बत मेरी, एक रिक्त स्थान सा है, पर जो रूह शांत और शुक्रगुजार हो तो बुरे लोगों से मिलना और उससे भी अधिक उनका रह पाना न याद है मुझे।
PS - (I think I kept loving so intently because that's the most validation I got).
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This one is a jumbled piece...but today I am simply too tired to process it nicely, so please bear with me.
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I recently went to therapy and in today's session...one of the things I was asked to ponder on was what I would like to be...I initially I thought definitely more happier than the girl I saw in the mirror, maybe my 18-year-old version that went to South Korea. I think she has long been my favourite. For once, everything in the world could wait, I just had the courage and my own permission in a way that I wanted and I had this crazy love for life even if I was going through a bad time, it had to wait those four months were simply mine that would never come back.
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Towards the end of my day, as I was thinking, I realised, I think I also wanna be her (Anne Frank). I am sure they really loved me and only wanted well for me. I see so much of myself in her and reverse and it's currently difficult for me articulate and explain what she means to me but she is more like my Korean self, the one who is part of the initial reason and motivation to take up pen.
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When I am too tired with people, I write. When it is something I really need to say I would usually text and express in written word, But behind all that I write is a little girl, whose broken piece of soul is long dead and she is just trying to fill that void. Only her ignorance of the void's existence usually marks her happy days but I guess it is high time that changes for the better. I wish I had a constant human and a trusted partner to share all these tales with but honestly I have no idea what God and fate have in store for me. If there is a way, I really hope I can be in a place I don't need it any more and I don't say it just to compensate my lack of one and facade, but where my happiness doesn't depend on any person or connection, I don't need one and can still be actually happy and also be able to confidently embrace love if it does come along.
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