I guess even when I was confused, I knew this wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. So, though there is a lot I learnt, I have never really seen it as an year that will define my career and I was constantly on the lookout for a chance that would. There were days, I simply could not see that light outside my tunnel. But, I do think more than anything, it has been a year of personal growth.
Understanding myself better, learning through experience and observations and at times just trying to survive the day. I have hit like real lows, been an asshole, a terrible employee and an even worse friend. But, if I were to calm down, there is also so much that I have learnt and rediscovered the more driven me.
I guess it is a little embarrassing to admit but I think my first year as an employee into a job funnily also taught me why people get married in the first place. As a teenager, your perspective on relationships is really different. Mine had long been dictated by those around me. But, for once I more genuinely realised that you actually do need a partner to share your life with. Friends are great but they have their own lives to manage too.
Then, thanks to a chance counselling session, for the first time in my life, I actually got out there to give myself a fair chance at potential dating. I played my cards wrong, it turned out to be miserable and things ended super soon. Actually, the fact is I simply couldn't get my head away from the actual guy I like and was trying to move on from so, just acted like a jerk and called it quits in the second day of texting itself. Though, I am really grateful for that. It was taking experimenting too far and I would have regretted it. But, yes it is one of those things that I am not proud of as it was insanely selfish. But, there were definitely some answers I got there.
I have almost spent my past year trying to navigate a middle way between trying to move on from my long time one-sided love as well as trying my best not to lose the man who really means a lost. I don't think I am anywhere close to getting there but the past year did make me understand the beauty that love holds through a guy who could just inspire me to be a better person and rise above myself if nothing else.
If my relationship skills weren't already bad enough, I decided to go ahead and get a job when I was simply not ready to get one. All my life, I had lived in this bubble like I am great professionally. Okay, I was an acceptable and by some standards, even a bright student. But, the fact remains, when I graduated, I hadn't really planned to do a job and I wasn't mentally prepared. It was almost like being pushed into the ring when you have no clues how to fight. Now, you just have to figure out how to fight in the fight itself. If you see logically, it was but obvious that there were going to be some bruises, actually quite a lot.
Again, as much as I hate to admit it because it hits my ego, I am a really loved and pampered baby of my house. So, the fact that being on my own into a job proved to be tough isn't exactly a suprise. But, one thing I knew, I didn't had the guts to quit so I had to rather survive somehow. As they say in Hindi "tootte-padte" (kind of falling and stumbling in Hindi), I continued to make my way.
Yet, there were invariably days (and still are), I really felt alone. Sometimes, it's probably just your own fear of rejection or insecurities, but opening up can feel difficult especially when you are too much in your life and hardly there for them in their own struggles. There are days you hope there was someone you could turn to without shame or guilt and just share how you feel.
Suddenly, I didn't want to bother anybody but it was also true that I wasn't very sure what I felt and how to explain it all to anybody. Even if they understand, they couldn't really do much to substantially help me out. So, at times I just would put it all in paper and put it out there indirectly.
However, after all these years into writing, I do know by now writing and reading is my thing but it isn't everyone's favourite past time. Some of those you are closest to won't really want to read while there are others who do but you can't always trust them with how you feel. In fact, that's actually risky too. Just because you left your soul bare on the paper and they read doesn't necessarily mean they care. It's vice-versa is not true either.
While I would constantly try to be grateful and understanding, I did know on the inside I was often on the verge of losing it. "You learn to be on your own, yet there are days you are fragile and vulnerable." Suddenly from being a free bird, I was in a place where I was under obligation to meet deadlines and complete my tasks. It felt like I had somehow lost a part of right on my time and life to the people who paid my salary. As we famously quoted, "You might have a heartbreak but the story still needs to go."
I was still not so great at my job when the Coronavirus hit. It was kinda bitter sweet. But, working remotely got particularly difficult. It was almost time for me to take that leap of faith and suddenly everything came crashing down and uncertainty took over.
My plate has almost more full than I could manage. Yet, somedays I think that's also somewhere the thing that really kept me sane. In a major consequence, I was no exception to that heightened sense of isolation.
Initially, I just put myself on Auto-pilot so that I could get things done. But, then I hit a roadblock and was brought back to senses. It was something that really broke my heart. But, fortunately or unfortunately, one of my college friends (who happened to be my all time biggest crush) happened to get struck with a last minute project. While I would have been back to being a bitch to any other person at the time, like any other girl in love I was all smiles for a change.
Yet, in the happiness an important point that got lost and I only realised later was that I have been even more harshly bruised and shattered in that moment if it wasn't for him.
Thankfully, I had him as a friend at just the right time to share both that initial happiness and also the pain of losing my dream college even after clearing the test and all the hard work I had put in when I don't think I could have really been able to share it with anyone because nobody knew what was going on.
While it might seem inconsequential, it had felt like the end of my tunnel in the moment only to be blocked by a new rock that seemed to big to remove as I already felt tired and exhausted. Offcourse eventually it did hit me but our conversations and work kept me engaged and avoided me from getting in that circle of misery in the initial phase.
Once it was done and everything else stood indefinitely postponed, all the pain and emotions I had been avoiding began to hit. The excuse to text was gone as so was the motivation. On my good days, I realised I had been away for too long and needed to reach out and check on friends how they were doing. But, suddenly the roles were reversed and everyone happened to be busy. To be honest, I didn't want to blame anybody since I knew better but there was no denying that, that feeling sucked.
But, who was I to complain? I had been too busy and engrossed in my own life too. When I couldn't be there for them, what right did I held to ask them for help. Honestly, even if there was to be someone, I couldn't speak. On the rarest days, I mustered the courage to pick up my phone and call, either they were unavailable or I couldn't speak up.
Surviving the quarantine was almost like living my heaven and hell at the same time. There are still days you get so engrossed in yourself or distractions, that you almost forget that you actually have a job to do. Then, not being able to submit your work feels like a curse. It means that your work for the day was now creeping up in your personal life and home and everything that you were looking forward to you couldn't do which simply felt upsetting because it is what really matters. But, in all of this I learnt and in ways am still learning the significance of Discipline and consistency that had long been missing in my life.
I was not depressed but I do know most of us are in fact actually walking a really thin line there. I wasn't clinically depressed but I could understand why so many were reportedly getting hit by depression and getting suicidal thought.
Through all of this pain, there was a simple ray of hope that kept me going. Even now, it secretly haunts me what will I do if I were to lose it. I genuinely don't think I have it in me to survive yet another year like this. This blog has been nothing less than therapeutic to pour my heart out on throughout this time. Writing has literally been the biggest factor that keeps me going and I think I am more grateful to Mom and Bhai than ever for their existence in my life. I think they are potentially the only reason that I have the courage to wake up the next morning even when I feel at my lowest.
But on less emotional occasions, I do like to believe that everything does happen for a reason "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." - Kelly Clarkson
I hope someday I will look back and laugh at this blog and be proud of myself for surviving this phase and getting on to my next step. It would really mean the world.
PS -
Be kind to yourself. It is ok not to be ok. Tell yourself what you will tell your best friend when she is down. Don't lose hope, we will all be fine.💕
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