The Freedom To Feel Pain

Have you ever felt like you want the freedom to feel pain? I wish to go on a vacation not to catch a sunset but to sit aloof without worrying about getting ready for work, with no one to judge my tears, no one to show up for. I want the luxury to sit in silence and cry on a shoulder until my eyes run out of pain. I want to take a break without the fear that the world may pass over.

Have you ever run out of love? I sometimes feel the lack of love to the point I genuinely don't want someone to care, for it becomes another obligation, another reason I should be grateful. I don't know how to not show up even though my own heart needs repair. Maybe it is my own fault as I hate conflict and sometimes it can be a task to not be a people pleaser. 

Sometimes you simply don't have it in you to be happy for them because there is a part of you that still grieves all that you never got. Sometimes people who love us do everything in their power yet you can't help your feelings. You know you should be grateful but how do you force yourself. 

Have you ever felt the guilt for taking a break? As you grow old, your duties overpower your needs or maybe it is the self-attested pressure that doesn't let us breathe. It is like ending a marathon and asked to run another without a sigh in between.

Have you ever felt so alone, you feel like running away? Sometimes it is not a reflection on anyone else but your own mental health struggles that people with deeper resilience and more practical approach usually can't fathom. Sometimes, we know it all -- we can't bring back times we lost, can't get things we need -- just need extra time to process and move on. 

How do you sit with yourself when everyday next day's schedule is ringing in your ears? Sometimes sarcasm and poetry doesn't help, you deserve a place where you can be honest even if it reaches no one but you. Sometimes you want to share your struggles yet don't want to burden them with your pain. You understand adulting yet your body and mind are too tired to be brave. 

Sometimes, you don't want to be kind or loving or brave, yet you can't help yourself. Your heart lies in a job that is slowly killing it all. Sometimes, you know you should understand but you are sick of being the only one who does. In their eyes, they wish you well yet by your standards, you deserved better. Then, you realise,  having standards left you alone. You want to make peace yet you can't stand to look at the person mirror shows. You feel sad for yourself yet self-love remains miles away this morning.